It's the New Beastie Boys' Album, Check Your Citation

Perhaps it is because I am a librarian that proper and correct citation is always essential, no matter the setting. In person - alright, use your air quotes (and hand parantheses if you must) - but it should go like this:

"Hey, hey, hey....it's [whoever just entered stage left]!" (you know, as One may say in everyday conversation) should really be, "As Fat Albert says, "Hey, hey, hey....!"" or more correctly, "As Bill Cosby wrote in the character of Fat Albert says, "Hey, hey, hey....!""

...if one where being Bartlettian about it. Sticklers, there's one in every happy hour crowd.

But more seriously, it kind of tousled my librarian's bun the other night watching American Idol when Blake (He of Morrissey-esque pouty singing mouth) picks a “Tim McGraw” song. [Ed. note: The quotes here representing sarcasm - the favored use of the accessory actually.]

Blakissey could have named any Tim McGraw song and I would have kept my head in my (citation) book because what are the chances I am going to know a Tim McGraw song. But when I heard the song title, “When the Stars Go Blue.” Well, I pushed my glasses up my nose and had to adjust my rabbit ears - and the TVs - because that song title sure sounds like a lovely little ballad by one Ryan Adams. And sure enough there he drawls, "Dancin' when the stars go blue..."

My ears half smiled as I was reminded of how beautiful that song is.

He (Blakissey) did a lackluster delivery of the song - his performance was too affected. That song needs to be soft, the lyrics coaxed gently. For that, Tim can leave the big band at home and The Corrs can dump Bono in the trashcan. (I am reminded of their version, although better than Tim's, but Bono get out of my ear buds already.) And apparently some One Tree Hill kids sing a version too but I'm sick of this already.

I'm not here to bash karaoke! I'm here for citation purposes.

That song is Ryan Adams, originally sung by and penned by. It should be properly cited as such, don't ya' think, Idol?

What's next? Are you going to have Gwen Stefani sing her song, "It's My Life"?*

*It's Talk Talk circa 1984.

If I Got My Dating Advice From The Bachelor

Someday my prince will come and now thanks to ABC I know how to nab him!

I might be able to win him over if I am royalty myself! Or, you know, "kind of like royalty" because my daddy is rich and, look, my mom is actually Barbie. And just to give him a visual, I will don my tiara on our "first date" so that he can see that I am fit to be his princess. And on second thought, I will leave the fur at home "because of animal rights and all." I can be a princess with a conscience!

Or I just might have to get really, really drunk. Because I am in my 30's and all these 23-year olds think I am over the hill, but they say I look good for my age. And, you know I have, like, genetics to thank for that! Yeah, I am soooo ddr8n5k!

Or perhaps I will hug a tree. I mean, you haven't had a "connection" with someone until you have hugged a tree together. It just might get me the sparkly earrings! I'll bet no trees were hurt for these dazzlers! So go hug a tree today.

Or I could impress the Italian prince with my own Italian heritage. It took me forever to learn how to say, "Nice to meet you, Italian Stallion!" and "Large pie hold the anchovies!" Oops. Prince Lorenzo, you don't know any Italian, oh prince of Italy?

"Gelatto."

"Ciao! Lorenzo, over here, I'm a local and ABC nabbed me off the street to add some spice to the party. And guess what? Italian is the only language I can speak so I can't understand a word you say. I'll just toss my hair around and giggle at everything you say. Did he just say, "Do you like to hunt people?" Oh, silly prince (giggle). Yes! I'll accept the rose! I am looking forward to getting to know you better. Don't you think words are so overrated?"

But why don't I just show him one of my many talents? Miss America does it. I could serenade him an opera aria from the balcony. Thank god for karaoke! It really works those pipes. Or I could always bust out with the dance moves. Doesn't every guy want to see you rock your body, you know, when there is no music on. And what kind of party doesn't have music? Oh, the all-night-kind with no food and lots of booze. Have you cut off the drunk 30-year old? OK. Maybe I should just tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue. Has anyone done that one? [Season 7! --diehard Bachelor viewer (of the not me kind!)]

I should also demonstate the sacrifices I have made to meet my prince: I'm a virgin and I am saving myself for him! I sold my car for him-TV-him! But I put y'all to shame, I just flew coach for him.

When all else fails I should really find some commonality with the prince:

"You went to college in Fla! No way! I am from Florida!"

"You are a prince! No way! I am a princess or at least that is what my mom tells me!"

"You live in New York! No way! I watch Sex and the City!"

"You sell makeup! No way! I wear makeup!"

"You've got a blue tie! No way! I've got a blue dress!"

And the real card up the sleeve is Jon fucking Bon Jovi. Or The Olive Garden. But find that common ground because the tiara is only going to get you so far and you can't hug trees while in a gondola.

But there is one thing I learned from past seasons and I should never ever tell him that I want to bear his prince and princess babies because my biological clock is ticking away. But where is he going to stand when he finds that I have written our names with hearts in red lipstick on every bathroom mirror in that damn Borghese castle?

God, I can't wait to watch another Bachelor trainwreck.

Kiki Just Had To Take To The Bottle

Yes, I watch The OC. I was late to the game but I'm here now. For now. Because they are testing me. Yes, this fairweather fan is hissing at the moment because of this whole alcoholic storyline. First, why does every single show - dramas/soaps - in the history of mankind have to deal with this subject? And it is always tied up neatly in a bow. Can you really spin this anew? It's so stale. And in the case of The OC in particular? So, so forced. Me, "forcing" myself into my skinny jeans - hopping and stuffing my ass into them (and laying down flat to zip them), has nothing on The OC and Kirsten's Drunken Plunge Into Shameful Intoxification. Bad Kiki, bad.

You saw the foreshadowing from the beginning of the season. The lone camera shot zooming in on Kirsten's wine glass as if to say, "Pay attention, folks, slippery curves ahead!" And Kirsten may drive on them! While drunk! Oh the drama.

So Kiki drinks all by her lonesome sometimes. So she can polish off a bottle of wine by herself. So she got drunk at a vineyard. So she likes a little vodka in her OJ. So she likes to come home to a chilled swig of vodka. So she got drunk at her father's funeral. Hell, I've done all this. Except at my dad's funeral. I couldn't even stomach a beer that day. So is that what actually separates me from Drunkville? In any case, I am sure I binged just as soon as I got my sea legs back.

I guess we are to believe that all her imbibing happened off camera. We saw Sandy find her bottle stashed in her purse. Oh! I see, it's called allusion. Kirsten has been drinking around the clock! At work. In the bathroom. In bed. While driving. While shopping. While tanning. Before, during, and after every meal. Et cetera. Et cetera.

Snore.

I like my primetime TV all fluff and cupcakes. That's just me. I don't want to see the shootings and the drug dealing and the dying and the blackmailing and the porn-parading. I want the mindless banter, the teenage-bickering, the comic book shenanigans, the breaking up to get back together, the shopping trips, the wife-beaters, and mall-camping. And more scenes with Princess Sparkle and Captain Oats (spinoff, anyone?) Oh, and one more thing, more Peter Gallagher singing. Thank you.