Thursday, June 22, 2006

On Love, Religion, And Water Bottles

I am pretty sure you never discuss religion on a first date. And I am pretty sure you never discuss religion after twenty-some beers. I'm also pretty sure you never discuss religion at 4 AM. As my dad used to say, "Nothing good happens at 4 AM. " So I am pretty sure if all of these scenarios coincide, nothing good can come of it. In fact, all hell might break loose. You know, if you believe in heaven and hell.

Now I'm not religous so this isn't a diatribe on religion. This is nothing more than a silly love story, with a little bit of violence - of the Pulp Fiction kind, not the gratuitious Terminator kind, mind you. So girls can bring their guys to watch this chick flick!

Mav and I went to the beach house last weekend and took along Dear Prudence - of plumber fame. (I'm sure she loves that endorsement!) The weekend was off to a great start Friday as we lunched on Nico Bolis and a couple pitchers. We also got some beach time where we got to watch Napolean and Pedro build a sand castle. Such love the kids gave each other. But that's another story. Oh, and the fact that they were "affiliated" with our house is a whole other story that can not be squeezed into my love story.

On Friday night we put our jeans and flip flops on and hit the bar. As I was doing my tour of all the bars (within the larger bar) looking for a coosie (how do you spell that by the way?), I had a moment. Aren't "they" always saying, "There she goes again. Boa falls in and out of love every weekend at the beach." And they would be right. But as I was standing shoulder to shoulder with a guy on my right, we both turned at the same time. Locked eyes. And of course I did my standard smooth move, I ran away. But I still recognize that as a "moment."

A couple minutes later Mav is informing me that "love of my life" is here. Here! I got excited for like 10 seconds until I remembered how that played out. What do they say? The opposite of love is indifference? Yeah, well I was indifferent.

"I don't care about him. But let's go say hi."

So we went over and said "hi." He and I exchanged a few pleasantries, "Do you still work at XYZ?" "You haven't moved back to CA yet?" "Did you lose my number?" ....And then I looked over to the person next to him and there He was. My first crush of the summer, "Love of my life's" best friend (hereinafter called BF), the guy I just had the moment with! Eek. I remember him from last year now. But why did I not see him until just now?

So we had another moment right there. It is like nobody else is around and you don't need to say anything and we probably stood like that for like 30 minutes. Or it could have been.

So I had to get away from them because the love was no longer there for "love of my life" but I couldn't go with the best friend? Or could I? He kept following me around. Everytime I turned he was handing me a beer. He pulls me in to dance with him. And that look in his eyes suckered me in. The moment.

So Friday night Mav, me, and Dear Prudence split up. We all had our romance to chase. Mav with the smallest "chip" of the bunch. Dear Prudence with her myriad of men, I seriously lost track which one she was with.

Needless to say, we met up with the boys Saturday afternoon for a little Jam. I was so over being uncomfortable with the dynamic. I purred as I talked to the BF that afternoon and listened to the band. Yep. 100% smitten. It's been awhile. I deserve it.

Now fast forward to Saturday night after a long day. It's just me, the BF, love of my life, Dear Prudence, Mav, and The Sleeper sitting around the patio table. Oh, and Lex Luther. Who nobody knew. He was just some guy walking by who joined the party. We are appraching 4 AM.

What do grown-up professionals who had been drinking all day at the beach do at 4 AM? Pop open their lap top? Take an Advil? GO TO SLEEP? No, they play Spin the Bottle and I Never. And drink more beer. After a few hours of this (which is actually now 4 AM) we carry the conversation to more lofty things like....religion.

This is where our love story reaches a crescendo. In hindsight, I should have interrupted the discourse with my lovely joke about the pizza.

But then we wouldn't have had this:

Mav: I am going to raise my kids Catholic because that is how I was raised and that is what I identify with.
The BF: Why do you identify with it?
Mav: I believe in the 10 Commandments.
Boa: [Quiety thinking of all the ways Mav has broken the 10 commandments over and over. But think better about calling hypocrite because I see her point.]
The BF: That's a civil code.
Boa: Ahh, he is cute and smart too!
Mav: That is what Christianity is based on!
[Voices are getting much louder. Much.]
The BF: Oh and I guess you are going to say that you believe the world was created in 10 days too!

From here on out the yelling is quite blurry. But it could have gone something like this:

Mav: I didn't say that.
BF: Yes you did.
Mav: Shut up.
BF: No you.
Mav: You're a poopeyhead.
The BF: Welll your a doo-doo.
Boa: [giggle, giggle]

And here is where Mav decides that actions will speak much larger than words. I like to call it performance art. Mav was acting out. Because she dramatically jumped on top of the table and whacked the BF upside the head with an empty water bottle. Just like that. Some people might sit in a tree for 10 days to GET THEIR POINT ACROSS. As if to say, "listen to me." But Mav dialed into the Bronx and raged.

And if the water bottle action wasn't enough, she came back to backhand all of the 40 beer cans sitting on the picnic table - backhanded them with one swoosh - right into the corner that the BF was now cowered in. And kicked him out of the house.

Mind you I am silent through all this. Frankly, didn't know what to do and seriously I am the daisy in the barrel of the gun. Can't we all just get along?

But The BF turned to me and wistfully said, "I'm so sorry Lara." I'd like to think there was a tear shed. And just like that I knew this was the end of this love story. We weren't going to make it after all. That water bottle would have always been in the way. In the name of God.


Morgan said...

Ha! That was great. My scary old roommate got into a fight with Amy once about religion and asked how she could work at planned parenthood since she still claimed to be Catholic. After many attempts at civility, Amy finally said: 'My faith is inexplicible. That's why it's called faith!' Then she proceeded to tell me that old roommate would NEVER be invited into her home again. It was awesome b/c we were also at a party and the rest of us were like 'ho hum...shall we get another beer away from this conversation?' HA.

Mav said...

Next time I think it will be the war in Iraq...much better beach/50 beer/4 a.m. convo, don't you think?

Oh and Boa, I'm still sorry I yelled at you.

Amy said...

Morgan forgot to also mention that i was informed by her roomate that I am going directly to hell for driving a Ford Escape. Which Morgan's roomate found very comfortable on the drive over to the bar!