Thursday, October 05, 2006

If I Got My Dating Advice From The Bachelor

Someday my prince will come and now thanks to ABC I know how to nab him!

I might be able to win him over if I am royalty myself! Or, you know, "kind of like royalty" because my daddy is rich and, look, my mom is actually Barbie. And just to give him a visual, I will don my tiara on our "first date" so that he can see that I am fit to be his princess. And on second thought, I will leave the fur at home "because of animal rights and all." I can be a princess with a conscience!

Or I just might have to get really, really drunk. Because I am in my 30's and all these 23-year olds think I am over the hill, but they say I look good for my age. And, you know I have, like, genetics to thank for that! Yeah, I am soooo ddr8n5k!

Or perhaps I will hug a tree. I mean, you haven't had a "connection" with someone until you have hugged a tree together. It just might get me the sparkly earrings! I'll bet no trees were hurt for these dazzlers! So go hug a tree today.

Or I could impress the Italian prince with my own Italian heritage. It took me forever to learn how to say, "Nice to meet you, Italian Stallion!" and "Large pie hold the anchovies!" Oops. Prince Lorenzo, you don't know any Italian, oh prince of Italy?


"Ciao! Lorenzo, over here, I'm a local and ABC nabbed me off the street to add some spice to the party. And guess what? Italian is the only language I can speak so I can't understand a word you say. I'll just toss my hair around and giggle at everything you say. Did he just say, "Do you like to hunt people?" Oh, silly prince (giggle). Yes! I'll accept the rose! I am looking forward to getting to know you better. Don't you think words are so overrated?"

But why don't I just show him one of my many talents? Miss America does it. I could serenade him an opera aria from the balcony. Thank god for karaoke! It really works those pipes. Or I could always bust out with the dance moves. Doesn't every guy want to see you rock your body, you know, when there is no music on. And what kind of party doesn't have music? Oh, the all-night-kind with no food and lots of booze. Have you cut off the drunk 30-year old? OK. Maybe I should just tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue. Has anyone done that one? [Season 7! --diehard Bachelor viewer (of the not me kind!)]

I should also demonstate the sacrifices I have made to meet my prince: I'm a virgin and I am saving myself for him! I sold my car for him-TV-him! But I put y'all to shame, I just flew coach for him.

When all else fails I should really find some commonality with the prince:

"You went to college in Fla! No way! I am from Florida!"

"You are a prince! No way! I am a princess or at least that is what my mom tells me!"

"You live in New York! No way! I watch Sex and the City!"

"You sell makeup! No way! I wear makeup!"

"You've got a blue tie! No way! I've got a blue dress!"

And the real card up the sleeve is Jon fucking Bon Jovi. Or The Olive Garden. But find that common ground because the tiara is only going to get you so far and you can't hug trees while in a gondola.

But there is one thing I learned from past seasons and I should never ever tell him that I want to bear his prince and princess babies because my biological clock is ticking away. But where is he going to stand when he finds that I have written our names with hearts in red lipstick on every bathroom mirror in that damn Borghese castle?

God, I can't wait to watch another Bachelor trainwreck.


James said...

One of my coworkers was interviewed to be the actual Bachelor a couple of seasons back.

I don't think he took it in part b/c of the non-stop ribbing he would have to endure for the next, oh say, 125 years.


Morgan said...

Are you making fun of Bon Jovi and the Olive Garden? I could give you one, but not both. :) I watched last season pretty intently, but haven't tuned in yet to this one. Remember when they used to recap it? Or was that Joe Millionaire? All I can remember is the recapper calling that one girl back fatty which was SOOOO true...I may have it, but I usually try and keep it hidden!