Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Put This In Your Mailbox And Stamp It First Class

Why must I tell you this? Why must I share acts of stupidity in the Life of Me? Just so you can feel smarter than the average bear? Well, I'm no average bear, as you will see. So I don't know what it will get you. But let me just say, there is something to be said for a stress-free job. Apparently I traded in common sense for it and this will dumb you down a couple rungs on the corporate ladder. It seems.

Background. We have this vendor from whom I order a lot of publications. One particular publication comes daily and it is Big News to the firm. Meaning everyone reads this "Big News Daily" before they start hanging out at the water cooler. Otherwise you have nothing to talk about. Sometimes people forget this.

"How are you doing today, Joe?"

"Today, blah-di-blah, shelter penalty, blah-di-blah, tax relief package, blah-di-blah, IRS task force, blah-di-blah, no flat tax, blah-di-blah, estimate budget effects, blah-di-blah, depreciation rules, blah-di-blah...."

"Whoa, Joe, haven't even got my coffee yet. How 'bout them Skins?"

Joe was too busy catching up on his WEEKLY reading, let alone his Daily News, so he didn't even know it was football season already. "Didn't I just file my tax return?" wonders Joe, "Wonder how Spurrier will do this year?" See, Joe is working! Joe's not sporting - or slacking off on the job! So Joe turns to the Next Guy to share, share, share what he has learned today!

I.e., We get a lot of fucking news that all says the same shit but we have to read it all, just in case.

Aside. Now, I wouldn't be carrying on with this story if we all could join 2005 and read a newspaper online. But tax geeks are often really Dinosaurs or, rather, Paper Museum Curaters in disguise. ("Over here, we have page 5 from H&D from October 1, 2004 when Congress passed the eight-month highway funding extension....remember that day? Oh memories....You read it here first!")

Scene. So the vendor uses a particular delivery company to deliver this daily to the local subscribers. The problem is that we have had ongoing problems with the delivery company off and on over the years. Because apparently there is a monopoly and Everyone in DC uses this delivery company so therefore they don't have to do their "job," as most monopolizers do (or is it don't?). Anyway, I, INaffectionately, like to call them the Deliver As We Feel Like It Company (“DAWFLIC”).

So over the last 2 weeks, this particular All Important News Daily has NOT been getting delivered most of that time (2 out of 3 IS BAD). I have talked to the manager at DAWFLIC and he maintains their innocence. MAYBE our delivery problems stem from our very own Mailroom downstairs who works by the motto, “We only collect the mail, we don’t deliver it.” So that is not far-fetched. Hell, for all I now, they could be doing their corporate duty and taking the news daily to Breakfast at McDonald's - "see and be seen. I'm working."

In any case, we have a problem with delivery.

Climax. So, the other day, I called my rep at the vendor who publishes the All Important News Daily to complain about the delivery company that they use. The conversation went a little something like this:

Professional Me: "Hi vendor! I am having problems with DAWFLIC getting this pub delivered."
"Yes. Sorry. We have had some complaints from others."
Professional Me:
"Oh. Well, in that case, is there any other delivery service we could consider?"
Vendor: "Yes. It’s either them or First Class Mail."
Professional Me:
"First Class Mail! I have never heard of them. Tell me more!"
Vendor: "Umm…..really?"
Professional Me: "Yes. I have never heard of that delivery service."
"Well, it’s run by the USPS. You know...the mail? You have seen mailboxes, haven't you?"

Then you pretty much see me shrinking in my chair to the size of a Big Stupid Idiot. And Big Stupid Idiots can be very small. What the hell was I thinking? And what glue was I sniffing? And the rep really wasn't even trying to make me feel less small. I drowned in that phone conversation. There really was no way out of that one. I tried to play comedian, “Oh, THAT delivery service. (hee hee.) Are they still in business? (hee. hee.) Do they have a website?” Hee hee??

My brain-freeze-disguised-as-joke did not go over with the audience. He saw through it. It was cringe-worthy.

Well, deliver me to Mars. And make it First Class Mail.

The End.


James said...

THAT is awesome.


Morgan said...

Totally understandable.