I've Taken A Turn To Negative Town

I am stumped, baffled, puzzled, and soo over this.

While I was at the beach over Labor Day with Mav and the rest and getting our asses kicked by Irish Car Bombs, discovering homemade donuts for the first time (Reese's donut, anyone?), finding a bar where you can get 120 ozs. of beer for 12 dollars (yes, 120 and it was under our nose the whole time - apparently, so secretive it is), and getting chased by 24-year old boys (Mav got the quarterback - freshman, so in her case, much younger), an email popped up in my inbox unbeknownst to me at the time.

It was from a guy I went out with over a year ago on one date. One date and I can't really remember any good reason why we never went out again. We didn't hate each other. We liked the same music. He was funny. In the end, I'm pretty sure I dropped the ball. There was the Yukkell still in my life - haunting me - and the Wedding Date Bailer so I have never been a very good Serial Dater so my poor little head probably got confused. So, needless to say, I wasn't unhappy to hear from him. So we started the emailing back and forth about what we have been up to, etc. Then he threw in the question, "Seeing anybody?" to which I responded with a "No." Then you know what? I never heard from him again. It's been over a week since the last communication and before, it was everyday. What gives Gentlemen? Just a little bird keeping tabs on me? I mean, why even pop up? We were probably only in each other's life for a total of three weeks and mostly via email. Hardly a substantive "relationship." Anyway, I discussed this with a guy friend of mine and he said - and he is very close to proposing to his girlfriend - that he is always interested in what his exes are up too and will regularly "check in." And it makes him feel good when they are single. Wwhhaatt?!? Greedy. I mean, I can't get a date to save my life, don't rub it in. In any case, I can't believe that this is what this particular guy was up to. But...oh, I'm confused.

Needless to say all this negativity still did not stop me from signing up for some online dating service AGAIN. Can't say I'm not trying. So I rewrote my profile. I put all new pictures up. Problem is the most recent pictures of me are mostly in variations of this pose:
Don't worry, I'm not in pain. I'm laughing. I'm falling. I'm resting. I am trying to maintain bladder control. Couldn't really go with those photos.....the other half of the pictures consist of me posing - blatantly posing. Like this:
No, I don't plan on pimping myself out this way. "Hey, look at my back [or insert butt, boobs, feet?, etc. here]." Because there are all those pictures. I look like a prima donna.

Or you've got me in total Crack Up Mode, holding on to something or someone for dear life - playing in a playground, pouring sand on Mav's head, or hugging signs. Most people just stand by the sign and pose. But, no, I have to do something like this:I'm trying to convey maturity, and at the same I want to show who I am - that I am quirky and like to have a fun time. But these particular photos are not what I want to throw out there on first impression. The pictures do ask the question, "Can you make me laugh like Goose and Mav?" But in the end, I went with face shots, smiley faces, and wholesome images. I tried to convey the humor in the writing. To be honest, I am somewhat happy with what I came up with.

Want to know how it is going?

Sucky, that is how.

This is what it has gotten me so far: in 5 days, 60 or so winks and emails from guys either:

....in their 40's and I am 34 so I will only date within my decade at this point;
....geographically undesirable, who live in Richmond, Annapolis, Canada, Japan;
....African American; or
....any combination of 2-3 of the above.

On the flipside I have probably emailed about 10 guys and not one of them has responded. Now, I am definitely no Cindy Crawford but as Mav and I like to say, "I'm no dogface." Why would you not at least see what this person - who is at least mid-way cute - is all about? With the exception of the above, I'm trying to keep an open mind.

Drive down deeper to Negative Town with me here. It sucks that my ex-boyfriend is getting married to a dogface with 4 kids. It also sucks that my boyfriend before him (whom I actually thought I was going to marry) is married and expecting his 4th child. Similarities, anybody? Oh, the number four is my karmic enemy.

So, I am annoyed. At Cupid. Why am I doing this online dating? Because I take it way to personally. Did you know that you can see all the people who open up and look at your profile? So I can look at the 650 people who have surfed my profile and said, "Thanks, but no thanks." Rejection cuts me like a knife, Bryan Adams.

I was hoping to regale you with stories of Love and Wine and Roses. I want to believe in the Phone Call The Next Day. I want to feel butterflies. I want to get sweaty palms. I want to anticipate that First Kiss. I want to feel that hand on the small of my back, guiding me, or is it following me? I want to talk in whispers. I want to go back and be able to answer that question, "Seeing anybody?" with, "Yes."

I'm convinced that The One For Me died in a gun fight at the O.K. Corral. Or he sailed the Seven Seas and got lost.

And on top of ALL MY HATRED at the moment, my fucking iPod is - most likely - broken. The computer erased her and won't accept her back. She's trying to connect but it won't let her. I'm convinced my computer is an Evil Guy. The computer is most definitely against me.

Hate, for now. Check back later for Happy Face.