It's just a typical weekend at the beach...or, to all the guys I loved before, fuck off.
In boring play-by-play fashion....
1. Patiently sit in traffic on New York Avenue, on 50, on the Bay Bridge, and over the Bay Bridge.
2. Suddenly realize it is going to take you 4 hours to get to the Fun in the Sun.
3. Uh-oh...you are driving down alone.
4. Decide to prank call your friends!
5. Oh yeah. Realize the whole caller ID thing kind of makes this impossible.
6. So have your 31/2 year old niece entertain you.
7. Hear about her "foe-fee" she got in "bow-way".
7. Listen to her tell you about the "grandpa who lives next door with the balloon in his belly."
8. Have your sister-in-law translate: "A trophy for ballet recital" and "The neighbor in his 60's with the big beer gut."
9. Look down to make sure you do not have a balloon in your belly.
10. Decide to add this phrase to your vocabulary.
11. You are very bored now.
12. But spot Route 1!
13. Make a beeline to the liquor store for 2 cases of beer and 2 cans of pineapple juice for mixed fruity beachy drinks on Saturday afternoon.
14. Sit out on the deck, beer in hand, waiting for the rest of the Friday evening crowd to roll into town.
15. Gather everyone and hit a bar.
16. Have your friends push you into the cutest boy in the bar.
17. Giggle like the 12-year old girl you feel like and run off.
18. But the cute boy follows you.
19. Regain your composure and exchange some small talk.
20. Find out that the cute boy is now Very Cute Boy and is also Very Interesting and Very Funny.
21. Oh, so, what the hell...
22. Invite him back to the house for a slice of pizza and more beer.
23. Stay up all night talking, laughing, and making out.
24. Wake up in his arms the next morning - fully clothed - but carrying on the giddy giggling from the night before.
25. Then spot the elephant in the room.
26. Retrace the events of the night.
27. Learn that you have a sleep-walking housemate.
28. Hear Sleep Walking Housemate comment on how sweet the two of you look engulfed in a pretzel-like embrace, cooing and giggling.
29. And he is sincere about this. Umm...
30. Sleep Walking Housemate bows out TO HIS OWN BEDROOM.
31. Thank Sleep Walking Housemate for leaving.
32. Uh-oh. Discover a problem with your hazy memory.
33. Fess up.
34. Ask Very Cute Boy his name.
35. (Only girls can get away with this.)
36. So conceal the asking in joke form.
37. Stay in bed until noon talking, laughing, and making out some more.
38. Keep your clothes on because, you know, you have morals.
39. Get a phone call from Mav who is on her way to the Fun in the Sun.
40. Answer the phone and tell her you have Very Cute Boy in your bed.
41. (And he is a good sport about this.)
42. So Mav tells you to keep him there until she arrives.
43. He is under your spell, he is not going anywhere.
44. Now get a phone call from Goose.
45. So answer, of course, because you are going to miss her this weekend.
46. Very Cute Boy gets on the phone.
46. (Did I mention how he is such the good sport?)
47. And you like him a little bit more for this.
48. So include him in your plot to kidnap the little dog out back named Fu.
49. He repays you by smothering you with kisses and tickles.
50. It's now noon.
51. So your housemates join you in your room to make sure you are alive.
52. (Gosh darnit if he is still a good sport!)
53. Mav arrives, jumps in bed, and tells Very Cute Boy that, yes, he is very cute boy.
54. You reclaim him.
55. Then send him off so you can spend the day on the beach with your housemates.
56. You know, talking about him.
57. Burn a little.
58. Pray you don't succumb to pre-mature aging AKA Leatherface and skin cancer AKA Death.
59. Oh yeah. Forget to take your sunglasses off.
60. Decide you might be a tad hungover.
61. So go to a bar to drink.
62. Get a drink with whipped cream because - when in Rome...
63. Run into pseudo-Brad-Pitt-in-disguise.
64. Mav can't resist this so says, "Hey Brad."
65. He can't resist Mav so returns with, "Hey baby."
66. Spot Fu across the bay running with the Big Dogs and swimming! Atta boy!
67. Miss Goose.
68. Get back to the house to watch the Belmont Stakes.
69. Because you knew that Afleet Alex was going to win.
70. Finally shower and kiss the soap.
71. Clean now!
72. And reddish.
74. Order Chinese Food.
75. Hungry. Want it now.
76. Determine that the Chinese Food people are dumb because they do not know the main road in town.
77. Curse the Chinese Food people.
79. The Directionless Chinese Food People take two hours to deliver the food.
80. Too long.
81. For this you are ungrateful.
82. But finally get food.
83. Finally eat.
84. (The drinking never stopped of course.)
85. Dance with your housemates at the house before heading out to the bar.
86. Meet up with Very Cute Boy at the bar.
87. Watch your friends fall in love with him.
88. Take him home again.
89. Feel him hug you so tight it takes your breath away.
90. " Shit."