2005 Playback: April Showers

Carrying on the 2005 Playback Project. Find the rules here.

Ah, April is my birthday month so there may have been some celebrating and - at the same time - some bemoaning of this fact. You can also count on some dating (i.e., some more letdown). But spring is in the air which means summer is around the bend. And I have a feeling there are good times to be had in summer...but I am getting ahead of myself. You know? It's tough to write about the past, when you already know the future - or is it the present?

So I found myself treading water, testing the waters, and swimming in liquid gratification during the Month of April. And just to carry on the Annoying aquatic hyperbole (because: theme!)...put on your life vest because there may some bumpy water ahead. (heh heh)

You say it's your birthday? Well, it's my birthday too!
"While we are not quite at the "39 and Holding," "40 is the New 30," or "I Don't Get ID'd Anymore" age yet, we are creeping up on it." [You turned 34 this year. That is old, geezer. --Reality Police.]

OK. So I am starting to feel like Age is catching up to me. The funny thing is everybody I meet thinks I am much younger than I am. (I think this is based on looks, but I wonder now...) Everybody tells me I look 27 - well, I have been saying that for a couple years now so maybe I look 29 now. My point is I finally know that I can't eat whatever the hell I want. Metabolism is sloooowing down. It has made the pass to the slow lane. So I want to preserve my "good looks" (Thank you, Me!) and this month I found a way: "Cosmetic trickery! The Lip Plumper(tm)! They say it will smooth the wrinkles and create a mild "swelling of the lip tissue" and it doesn't involve painful injections. It's genius really. Because every aging beauty needs big lips. Yes, we are starting small on the body beautification. Baby steps. Next year - maybe Crest Whitestrips?"

So it is funny how I start the month all happy and sane:
"I happily turned that clock forward last weekend. Who needs an extra hour of sleep anway? There are shrubs to be hedged!"

And so there were dates. Some good and some bad...well, they were all pretty bad.

Especially when you have a stalker. Who, by the way, I still bump into from time to time. "I shrugged it off as drunk - I know drunk - I have compassion for drunk....And, by the way, silly boy, it takes way more than three beers and a shot of whiskey to get me 'liquored up and in bed'."

"Golly, I was having a fine time so bartender pour me another Belvedere Soda and another and another and another and another. Oops...hiccup...giggle...giggle...time to stop, time to go home." [Always stop at the Giggly Hiccup Dance. --Old Wise One.]

"And so, what is the one thing you should probably never ask a guy on a date? If he would like to lay on the kitchen floor with you? Yes. That would be it. You know what I did? I asked him if he would lay on the kitchen floor with me." [And all your friends said that line would never work...who knew some Guy would actually find it "charming". Just wait for September. --The Future.]

You see where this is going? Only I don't in April so for the month of April - I am OBLIVIOUS. [He's gay! --Mav] I am confused as to why he won't find this cute and charming?!?

"In the morning, I woke up with a skinned knee, a bruise on my hip bone, and only one eye washed of make up. And I'm sure my hair was all over the place. I chuckled to myself thinking lucky for him he only got to see last night's act."

"But I did manage to spill beer all down my arm, in front of him. Something to do with not having enough hands to open a gift, open a card, and hold a beer. I guess the right thing would be to put the beer down on the bar. But, that would get in the way of actually drinking and opening and talking - which I so can do simultaneously. So the beer just poured out like a stream of water from a hose, all down my arm."

So, in the end - April? The message of which is, gosh, you are clutzy, or drunk, or nervous, or trying too hard, but you are not sitting home alone. Key! You are eating out alone. It's a good place to be right now. Even if you don't quite realize it yet...: "Eating alone is lonely. Eating out in public alone is humbling....And yet, I politely order my food. I don't want any funky kitchen scrap or bodily excretion ending up in my food on account of some sassy attitude. It's key. Restaurant staff can treat me like shit, I am always going to treat them like gold." [Rule 101 of Table For One.]

I know you didn't ask, but to be continued...