Warning: May is a train wreck. Or is it June? Close your eyes. No look! Close your eyes. No look!
But first, I went to a concert. Well, come to think of it - this is part of the train wreck. Because I did get stood up at said concert. Which was weird to say the least. His excuse was weird. He got in too late from a business trip. You know, that proverbial place where they have No Phones. (So many guys go to No Phone Island for business trips. And some just work there all the time. And actually some just live there. Hmm.) So I had to do a little Q&A with myself to answer the question of "Is he into me?" "I like my pastries flakey, not my guys." Yet I was hopeful-delusional-I mean, hopeful? [Delusional. --The Masses] But the show was enjoyed by Me nonetheless. (So don't feel too sorry for me!) And I did know some people there so I was not alone. This was my rock star review of the evening despite being stood up: "A Paul Westerberg show is always unpredictable and always entertaining to say the least.....It was a show teetering on the edge of insanity and sheer brilliance. And that is a fine line. It was rock and roll. Pure and unassuming." [Woo hoo! --Some Rock Chick]
But in the end, STILL, this is what I told myself. I think I told myself that he was sending me mixed signals: "He is interested he just either has too much going on right now or is just always going to be too complicated. Sit back." [Silly girl. Um, he's just not that into you. --Pop Culture]
I kept toying with the idea of doing Match. I remember thinking that I didn't want him to see me online because then he would think I wasn't interested in HIM. Did you read that? I didn't want HIM to think I wasn't interested in HIM. "I started obsessing on the possibility that he has seen my profile online. Not as in posing, or leaked home videos, mind you. But rather innocent hi-I'm-single-looking-for-love-in-cyberspace-tap-tap-is-this-thing-on presence?"
Oh boy. But it wasn't all about the boys in May. There was the Kentucky Derby of course which I always go ga ga over every year so there was a party..."The big hulking horsies. Little tiny wee jockeys. Mint juleps. Seersucker. Cash thrown all around. Giddy. Up. [But] every year, I watch the race with one eye open. Lest one of the horsies collides and falls while they are hoofing it down the track. And for what? More oats in his breakfast than Mr. Ed down the stall?"
And you know what Kentucky Derby parties turn into once you drank from the nectar of the Horse Gods, The Minty Julep? Well the games begin..."Things I lost this weekend....A Ms. Pacman tournament, right after I boasted about my fabulous Ms. Pacman gameability."
And in May, things weren't so hot in the office. Well, in the bathroom to be more specific because I felt the need to share with the Internet our own little Mr. Hanky. [Christmas in May! --Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Poo] "I have a walking Pooh-Ball carousing my office."
"For the most part, I try and keep my contact with bathroom fixtures and walls to a minimum. I am a pro at the Flush The Toilet With The Foot Move, While Drunk. Which turns into Balancing On One Foot, While Drunk. Which can turn into Leaning Against Stall Walls While Zipping Up Clothing, While Drunk."
And then The OC pissed me off - and The OC is supposed to be all good. "...So, so forced. Me, "forcing" myself into my skinny jeans - hopping and stuffing my ass into them (and laying down flat to zip them), has nothing on The OC and Kirsten's Drunken Plunge Into Shameful Intoxification. Bad Kiki, bad." [You didn't like our drunk story line? Wasn't it fresh enough? --Fox Network]
But the girl - as in, The Author - was STILL delusional folks. "I am holding my breath and just kind of wading in still waters. When I come up for air, I will let you know whether I ride the dolphin (no pun intended, really) or jump ship. Or I guess the ship could still leave port without me." [Wasn't the aquatic hyperbole sooo last month? --Cliche Police]
Chugga chugga chugga chugga CHOO CHOO.....
(I'm getting tired.)