Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Relationship Rehab

"Let's take a break," Rachel said to Ross.

That's a TV show!! I am meant to be in the audience - that "break" in "Must See" TV Land should only be for my entertainment purposes! I can even hear the canned roar of the audience laughing at the punchline, "We were on a break!" Can I go back to observing this scene? Because I should not have to act this part out in real life. I am not laughing.

Therefore when art imitates life - your life - you do need a break - a break from your life. So I stayed home from work Monday and Tuesday to throw myself a pity party - with no liquor involved because that didn't go over so well on Saturday. You learn that the hard way when your guy friend gives you a hard time about why you didn't show up to happy hour on Friday and you don't want to tell him the real reason why you didn't go out that night - that you ditched your friends to have a heart-to-heart with Peter Pan because things are not going so well - apparently - that is the Relationship, According to Him. And you don't want to tell him for the simple fact that he is best friends with Yukkell, the soon to be Ex-Ex. After all, there is a new opening for "Ex" quite possibly. SO to avoid honesty, I joined him and the rest of the guys at a bar at 1 pm on a Saturday afternoon because my other options are (1) shopping - but I have given that up for the time being on account of my little self-imposed spending moratorium (even though I need a $110 perfume!); (2) Mav - who is being all studious and disciplined right now, as she should be, except I don't know why that girl is considering moving to Florida; or (3) my Anthony Kiedis autobiography that I had been reading, which - spoiler alert! - um, he was a BIG FAT junkie - bet you didn't know that. It's not like rock stars DO that kind of thing. I mean, that would be so cliche or not. So I decided afternoon drinking it is!

So I drank all afternoon and talked and laughed too. And then a few of us went to the mexican restaurant to meet up with another friend and then you know what happens at the mexican restaurant? You partake in the poison known as The Swirl - which are just TROUBLE (and I should be saying "is trouble" as in one swirl, but no, there were multiple swirls so they are all in on this) . So given the backdrop I am giving you here - the props that affect any scene - you might be able to guess how this is going to play out - you know, given the current emotional state of someone on a "break." Because you know when it has been emotionally TOO MUCH and you end up crying your eyes out when you THINK you have lost your phone and at that moment you really believe that the world is ending (and your phone is right there the whole time) - which you would realize if you allowed Rational Thought any place in your head right now. But you have pushed it aside for now. So at this time - Day 1 of "The Break!" - losing your phone seemed like the most traumatic thing to happen to you so you start CRYING. Body shiver crying. And your sweet, sweet guy friend - a person who you didn't want to know about your little "relationship hiatus" - for various reasons again - this friend holds you for about a good 20 minutes while you let it out. You let the last year out, I guess. I carried on like a blubbering crybaby.

Saturday Afternoon Relationship Avoidance became Saturday Night Relationship Confessional.

Thus Monday and Tuesday (and Sunday for that matter too) were when I held my non-alcoholic pity party. I needed to think long and hard about what I want. Is he all that and a bag of chips? My most inquiring mind wants to know! I DID think so but perhaps he is flawed in the way he handles the stresses in his life - do I really want someone who is going to SHUT THE WORLD OUT and not deal?

So yesterday I looked to the TV for some Relationship Guidance. Ross and Rachel eventually got back together. Right? So I thought it a sign when I saw this show on Style called, Relationship Rehab. Right up my alley! I need some rehabilitating. Some clarity. Except this show is about people who have been dumped by jerks, people not worthy. They dodged the bullet. Now let me just say that I can look back at every one of my relationships and KNOW that I dodged the bullet. And I really knew it then - that is why it was easy for me not to wallow and accept the breakup. I get back on my feet pretty easily. So this show gets these girls a new zest for life, because YOU ARE BETTER OFF. And that is where I got really sad. I seriously thought him to be the "one" and I have NEVER thought that about anyone before. I have loved and I have been loved. Sometimes I have been the Dumper, sometimes the Dumpee. But Peter Pan and I had this whirlwind three month romance. We were having fun! And then all this dropped off this past month - about the time he started to get wrapped up in work - 11 hour days + all weekend. And he kind of just checked out. And I NEVER questioned him. I let him do his thing.

But it all came out last week when he started projecting all that negativity into our relationship and questioning whether we have a "spark" (I hate words like "connection", "chemistry", or "spark" when used in the context of a relationship, BY THE WAY); our "long term compatability" (can you tell he is the Analytical One and I am the Flakey One - so he questions that); and why he is not feeling like this is the "honeymoon phase" anymore (is there a timeframe on this stuff?). I attributed this to: No duh! Your life sucks right now! I could see if I was nagging him about more US time - that might push someone away but I have been the ever patient, supportive, non-confrontational, fun-spirited girlfriend riding this bumpy road out. Unbitterly too, I might add. Never mind that a week before this discussion to "break" took place he was telling me how he has screwed relationships up in the past with the "work thing" and how he doesn't want to screw it up with me. And then he probably snapped at me - which is his whole point.

So a break was instituted - after I suggestd a "break up" because I am not going to sit here and beg someone to like me or convince them of anything. Dude, you have got to want to be here. I am too self-respecting for that. And now here I am - watching relationship shows, reading relationship self-help books and crying, really.

Now I am trying to look at the negative because aren't you supposed to make your pros and cons list of what is good and what is bad? Problem is the "bad" is kind of superficial. Like, for one, he wears sweatpants. Not out in public - because that would be a deal breaker. I have to admit that I have this extreme gross-me-out hatred for sweatpants. The only place they belong is on that KMart shelf - arranged by color because THEN they are part of an installation of color, aesthetically-speaking. Then when you take them out of that color rainbow of fleece - out of their intended context, in my fashion-conscious mind - and put them on your body and "HANG OUT" in Quite simply, YUCK. And they were white! Which is just THE WORST degree of Sweat Pants Wearing Crime one can commit. This first time I saw him in those babies I thought, "Oh no he didn't." And I shielded my eyes from The YUCK. Yet, I never told him, "Dude, lose the sweatpants." I decided THIS was something I could learn to live with.

But if I am looking at the negative, can I now refer to him as The Boyfriend Who Wore White Sweatpants?

The second thing has to do with one of his hobbies. (Which I like about him because he had interests - I don't want all the attention.) One of his hobbies is model airplane building. Which is what a lot of boys did when they were, well, BOYS. But these aren't just sticks and glue. (Or paper which is something I could get into!) We are talking quarter-scale replicas of vintage aircraft that he researches to get an exact replica. Exact. So he puts the little motor in them and remote controls them in the sky and all the little boys come up to him and say, "Cool!" And they cost thousands of dollars individually. AND they have little men (aka dolls!) flying them. I was even going to "geek out" (his word) with him and make a doll for him because he needed one about the size of my cat - so like Mrs. Polly Prissy Pants would do except baby dolls didn't fly these WWI airplanes. Little men did. And they "have to be EXACT." So he didn't like my idea to put a little baby doll in the cockpit. So is THAT what they are talking about when they say I might have dodged the bullet on that one?

Perhaps. So might I refer to him as The Boyfriend With A Little Men Doll Collection?

So I don't know if this relationship is salvageable. We will just see in two weeks. But at least I just cracked myself up. The "break" may be ON but the pity party is OVER.


Morgan said...

So, he could either be BWALMDC--which you could spell out or it could be B-WALM-DC in reference to the area we live. OR, still on this one, my personal favorite--Bwalmdick. Now, if you wanted to use the other, I think the best option would be B triple dub S for BWWWS. As for these sweatpants, were they really sweatpants and not like windpants? Did they have the drawstring tops and cinched ankles? Now, this may be going too far, but one of the reasons I don't like those is b/c many times men will just well 'be out there and lovin' every minute of it' and well, that is just not good b/c sweatpants have no form and therefore it is very easy to determine if he is 'excited' to be wearing them. YUCK. In other news, perhaps he does just need a break and perhaps the relationship is salvageable. Perhaps not. Just remember that you need to do what is best for YOU. Regardless of what he wants...

James said...


I'm very sorry to hear about the break. I'm not a big fan of the break and like you would have suggested a break up b/c why should you have to prove your worthiness to anyone. Either they get it, or they don't. The former get the pleasure of your company, the latter - an unflattering-remebered always as nickname.

the issue with the break are the rules? who decides them. i think ross was perfectly ok to "test the waters" while the break was on. i'm sure some will disagree.

The model airplane stuff i think is cool. but then i'm a guy. it seems a very guy thing to do. the whole mechanical side is appealing and if you're going to do it why not make it perfect. it adds more challenge to the fun. and it's more socially acceptable than a huge collection of porn.

The sweat pants thing? like not track pants but actual elastic at the ankles sweat pants? and WHITE. for the love of all things holy. ICK.

You said you'll see in two weeks. is there an even in two weeks? a self imposed re-evaluation period?

I say go with your gut. if you need to wait two weeks to finalize your decision than it sounds like you've already made it and need two weeks to admit it outloud. problem is you might start making excuses for why to give it another chance.

go with your gut. good, bad, ugly, whatever.

where you up at the rio grande for the swirl convention?


James said...


for the slow of wit could you explain the acronym's for me?


amyd said...

I don't know- those cons are kind of enlightening even if they SEEM superficial. Dig deep, you will figure it out.

Original Me said...

Thank you all for the comments/support.
1. Yes, the sweatpants I am referring to are the elastic waist/ankle variety. I see everyone agrees with me on their Ick factor. {shiver} oh! he also has silk pajamas - he never wore them in my presence, but he has them and his sister bought him some for christmas - which I find just a little odd, come to think of it.
2. Yes, the model airplane thing is "kind of" cool. He is very creative and mechanically-inclined, he is guy-like that way. Found it sexy especially b/c he also likes pink drinks (i.e., the cosmo).
3. Yes, the swirl convention was at Rio Grande - the ONLY place that makes the correct Swirl, which is sangria and margarita, not lime margarita swirled with strawberry margarita.
4. Yes, there is an end to the "2 week moratorium" - He is calling me on Feb. 5 to assess the "time apart."
5. Wah.

Original Me said...

Now I feel bad making fun of his fashion. He is actually a very sharp and snappy dresser. He was my rugged metrosexual which is actually my dream-type.

Anonymous said...

Shit. I had just finished replying to this and my computer is all 'I hate you, so I'm going to fuck with you' and now I can't remember my password, but it's me, Morgan!

In any case, I don't see a problem with poking fun at the fashion. Even the best dressers can make a few fashion mis-steps, usually due to old habits and comfort zones. That being said, James--the first is 'Boyfriend With A Little Men Doll Collection' and the second was taken from 'Boyfriend Who Wears White Sweatpants'

Lastly--who sets up time for such a discussion on MY BIRTHDAY...ok, really I am referring to Super Bowl Sunday? Even if you don't care about it, there are often many parties to attend which is a fun and happy good time. Why not do it on a Monday. They already suck. Therefore if it is bad news, then it isn't ruining anything and if it is good news, then it has brightened an otherwise drab and dreary Monday.

Mav said...

I hate him AND his white sweatpants. Bowler! (Just another word for loser)