Relationship Rehab

"Let's take a break," Rachel said to Ross.

That's a TV show!! I am meant to be in the audience - that "break" in "Must See" TV Land should only be for my entertainment purposes! I can even hear the canned roar of the audience laughing at the punchline, "We were on a break!" Can I go back to observing this scene? Because I should not have to act this part out in real life. I am not laughing.

Therefore when art imitates life - your life - you do need a break - a break from your life. So I stayed home from work Monday and Tuesday to throw myself a pity party - with no liquor involved because that didn't go over so well on Saturday. You learn that the hard way when your guy friend gives you a hard time about why you didn't show up to happy hour on Friday and you don't want to tell him the real reason why you didn't go out that night - that you ditched your friends to have a heart-to-heart with Peter Pan because things are not going so well - apparently - that is the Relationship, According to Him. And you don't want to tell him for the simple fact that he is best friends with Yukkell, the soon to be Ex-Ex. After all, there is a new opening for "Ex" quite possibly. SO to avoid honesty, I joined him and the rest of the guys at a bar at 1 pm on a Saturday afternoon because my other options are (1) shopping - but I have given that up for the time being on account of my little self-imposed spending moratorium (even though I need a $110 perfume!); (2) Mav - who is being all studious and disciplined right now, as she should be, except I don't know why that girl is considering moving to Florida; or (3) my Anthony Kiedis autobiography that I had been reading, which - spoiler alert! - um, he was a BIG FAT junkie - bet you didn't know that. It's not like rock stars DO that kind of thing. I mean, that would be so cliche or not. So I decided afternoon drinking it is!

So I drank all afternoon and talked and laughed too. And then a few of us went to the mexican restaurant to meet up with another friend and then you know what happens at the mexican restaurant? You partake in the poison known as The Swirl - which are just TROUBLE (and I should be saying "is trouble" as in one swirl, but no, there were multiple swirls so they are all in on this) . So given the backdrop I am giving you here - the props that affect any scene - you might be able to guess how this is going to play out - you know, given the current emotional state of someone on a "break." Because you know when it has been emotionally TOO MUCH and you end up crying your eyes out when you THINK you have lost your phone and at that moment you really believe that the world is ending (and your phone is right there the whole time) - which you would realize if you allowed Rational Thought any place in your head right now. But you have pushed it aside for now. So at this time - Day 1 of "The Break!" - losing your phone seemed like the most traumatic thing to happen to you so you start CRYING. Body shiver crying. And your sweet, sweet guy friend - a person who you didn't want to know about your little "relationship hiatus" - for various reasons again - this friend holds you for about a good 20 minutes while you let it out. You let the last year out, I guess. I carried on like a blubbering crybaby.

Saturday Afternoon Relationship Avoidance became Saturday Night Relationship Confessional.

Thus Monday and Tuesday (and Sunday for that matter too) were when I held my non-alcoholic pity party. I needed to think long and hard about what I want. Is he all that and a bag of chips? My most inquiring mind wants to know! I DID think so but perhaps he is flawed in the way he handles the stresses in his life - do I really want someone who is going to SHUT THE WORLD OUT and not deal?

So yesterday I looked to the TV for some Relationship Guidance. Ross and Rachel eventually got back together. Right? So I thought it a sign when I saw this show on Style called, Relationship Rehab. Right up my alley! I need some rehabilitating. Some clarity. Except this show is about people who have been dumped by jerks, people not worthy. They dodged the bullet. Now let me just say that I can look back at every one of my relationships and KNOW that I dodged the bullet. And I really knew it then - that is why it was easy for me not to wallow and accept the breakup. I get back on my feet pretty easily. So this show gets these girls a new zest for life, because YOU ARE BETTER OFF. And that is where I got really sad. I seriously thought him to be the "one" and I have NEVER thought that about anyone before. I have loved and I have been loved. Sometimes I have been the Dumper, sometimes the Dumpee. But Peter Pan and I had this whirlwind three month romance. We were having fun! And then all this dropped off this past month - about the time he started to get wrapped up in work - 11 hour days + all weekend. And he kind of just checked out. And I NEVER questioned him. I let him do his thing.

But it all came out last week when he started projecting all that negativity into our relationship and questioning whether we have a "spark" (I hate words like "connection", "chemistry", or "spark" when used in the context of a relationship, BY THE WAY); our "long term compatability" (can you tell he is the Analytical One and I am the Flakey One - so he questions that); and why he is not feeling like this is the "honeymoon phase" anymore (is there a timeframe on this stuff?). I attributed this to: No duh! Your life sucks right now! I could see if I was nagging him about more US time - that might push someone away but I have been the ever patient, supportive, non-confrontational, fun-spirited girlfriend riding this bumpy road out. Unbitterly too, I might add. Never mind that a week before this discussion to "break" took place he was telling me how he has screwed relationships up in the past with the "work thing" and how he doesn't want to screw it up with me. And then he probably snapped at me - which is his whole point.

So a break was instituted - after I suggestd a "break up" because I am not going to sit here and beg someone to like me or convince them of anything. Dude, you have got to want to be here. I am too self-respecting for that. And now here I am - watching relationship shows, reading relationship self-help books and crying, really.

Now I am trying to look at the negative because aren't you supposed to make your pros and cons list of what is good and what is bad? Problem is the "bad" is kind of superficial. Like, for one, he wears sweatpants. Not out in public - because that would be a deal breaker. I have to admit that I have this extreme gross-me-out hatred for sweatpants. The only place they belong is on that KMart shelf - arranged by color because THEN they are part of an installation of color, aesthetically-speaking. Then when you take them out of that color rainbow of fleece - out of their intended context, in my fashion-conscious mind - and put them on your body and "HANG OUT" in them...um....YUCK. Quite simply, YUCK. And they were white! Which is just THE WORST degree of Sweat Pants Wearing Crime one can commit. This first time I saw him in those babies I thought, "Oh no he didn't." And I shielded my eyes from The YUCK. Yet, I never told him, "Dude, lose the sweatpants." I decided THIS was something I could learn to live with.

But if I am looking at the negative, can I now refer to him as The Boyfriend Who Wore White Sweatpants?

The second thing has to do with one of his hobbies. (Which I like about him because he had interests - I don't want all the attention.) One of his hobbies is model airplane building. Which is what a lot of boys did when they were, well, BOYS. But these aren't just sticks and glue. (Or paper which is something I could get into!) We are talking quarter-scale replicas of vintage aircraft that he researches to get an exact replica. Exact. So he puts the little motor in them and remote controls them in the sky and all the little boys come up to him and say, "Cool!" And they cost thousands of dollars individually. AND they have little men (aka dolls!) flying them. I was even going to "geek out" (his word) with him and make a doll for him because he needed one about the size of my cat - so like Mrs. Polly Prissy Pants would do except baby dolls didn't fly these WWI airplanes. Little men did. And they "have to be EXACT." So he didn't like my idea to put a little baby doll in the cockpit. So is THAT what they are talking about when they say I might have dodged the bullet on that one?

Perhaps. So might I refer to him as The Boyfriend With A Little Men Doll Collection?

So I don't know if this relationship is salvageable. We will just see in two weeks. But at least I just cracked myself up. The "break" may be ON but the pity party is OVER.