Wednesday, February 08, 2006

The Blacklist

This will be my last post about the relationship gone bad starring Peter Pan, moonlighting as Johnny Jerkface, as the villian. I hear he is up for an Oscar this year for his role which - with his great acting ability - had his audience fooled. Villian posing as superhero gets them all the time. I am sure I have seen a Batman episode like that.

In the end, the outcome is "Player." I was deceived and he certainly played me. Because he has never called me to break up with me so I don't know why or what. It is the weirdest relationship-breakup I have ever encountered. It rocked my world for a couple weeks but now I can do nothing but laugh about it. I would have taken anything if even an email - or post-it note a la Berger (Sex and the City) that said, "Sorry. Can't do this." But he just dropped off the face of the earth never to be seen or heard from again. [It's funny because the Berger storyline is going on in the reruns right now and I can't help but see the similarities in that relationship. In hindsight.]

It's funny how you can identify all the negative aspects of a relationship when it is over. But when you are in it, you overlook those things. I have a friend who once dated a guy who punched a wall. She made excuses for it at the time. I don't know him so I can't pass judgment but one MIGHT think, um, anger issues. My sister dated one of those Wall Punchers and I can most definitely assure you - MAJOR anger issues. Now Johnny Jerkface wasn't a wall puncher, but I can assure you I found plenty other faults when I stepped outside of starry-eyed girl box.

What I Won't Fall For Next Time

I hereby declare not to fall for someone who--

--wears white elastic-ankled sweatpants.

--says "kiddie doodles" instead of "kids" each and every time.

--will not perform oral sex on me.

--has me meet his parents after only knowing him three weeks and dismissing it as "no big deal" when it should be a big deal.

--constantly calls me "gorgeous" "hot stuff" "hottie" or "crouton" - or by my last name.

--tells me he knew I was "the one" after our first date.

--prefers his drinks pink.

--wears cravats for driving his British sports car around town.

--wears an orange ski parka. Orange.

--picks me up at the airport and does not get out to help me put my luggage in the back.

--paws me on our third date in front of his co-workers.

--won't let me pull the table closer to me because it will be "too far from him then."

--disregards my desire to show up at MY friend's holiday party on time because it is "too early, it's better to be fashionably late" - when it is my good friend, I am expected to show up early, and if I don't show up at that time I will miss seeing my pregnant friend - and therefore makes me arrive 2 hours and 45 minutes later than when I wanted to.

--doesn't walk me to my car the first time I go over to his house.

--says "fun event" as in: "Let's talk later and coordinate for our 'fun event'."

--hates his job or is very unhappy in his job situation.

--has conflict with management in every professional job he has held.

--plans many dates for the first two months of dating and then stops planning and then wants to stay in all the time and then when I ask why, says that he wanted to see how I reacted to that. Huh?

--tells me he can be a jerk and a player. (Apparently looks have nothing to do with it.) If someone is saying this, apparently there is some truth in it. Foreshadowing.

--has negative things to say about his exes and thinks that some of them are crazy and are prone to stalking.

--thinks all his girl friends have crushes on him.

--paints his kitchen purple and has red velvet couches. (I can't tell you the hatred I have for these two decorating schemes.)

--doesn't like when I put a couch pillow on the floor.

--doesn't understand the importance of cool sunglasses. Guys, sunglasses are just as crucial as the shoes. The right pair of shades are everything.

--would wear satin pajamas and lets his sister borrow them.

--strokes his mom's hair or has to touch everyone's hair. Hair fetish?

--went a year at any point in his life not talking to his parents.

--thinks he is such a great cook, but doesn't even know how to slice an onion. I can't cook but I can slice a mean onion.

--can not make good waffles or never makes me blueberry pancakes. I can't settle for less.

--doesn't let me buy another bottle of champagne for New Year's Eve because he thinks one bottle is enough. Sure it was a magnum but isn't it better to be safe than sorry, err on the side of more?

--doesn't want to drink with me on New Year's Eve.

--would rather play video games all night long on New Year's Eve.

--does not feel the need to watch the ball drop and smooch at midnight.

--wants to talk about marriage, kids, cohabitation, and the future within the first month of dating.

--constantly talks to his friends about me, how wonderful I am, etc. - I know this because I hear him on the phone - yet never introduces me to them.

--tells me on our first date about an ex-girlfriend who made out with his sister.

--has parents that buy him a t-shirt that says, "Looking to score."

--tells me within a few weeks of knowing him how much his parents are worth.

--is BORING and perfunctory in bed, no matter if he uses it well. I like variety and fun.

--makes me - in his selfish ways - feel unsexy. Because...I am sexy!

--doesn't take an interest in "me" as a person but instead "me" as it relates to him. This is hard to explain but a very, very general example is when someone asks you when your birthday is, you ask the same thing back. If you care.

--never uses the $200 wallet you bought him for Christmas because he is afraid to use it - and won't return it and get the Ferragamo shoes he really wants when you absolutely insist he does this - so he ends up wasting your money and hurting your feelings.

--does not have the decency or maturity to break up with someone whom you spent the better part of four months - who spent Christmas with you - when you want out for whatever reason.

--takes the "I will not call her" approach. Or the "I won't even call her back" approach.

The End.

I'm now closing the book on that chapter unless of course there is some update. Some poetic justice which I do dream about. But I don't count on it....

So I'm back on match trolling for another round of dating misery. Within my first 30 minutes I got an email from someone calling himself italianspice. Oh boy, I can hardly wait.

4 comments:

Mav said...

He's gross.

James said...

lara,

so sorry he turned out to be a johhny jerkface. when i heard about the white sweatpants i knew something was wrong with him. after reading this list of "traits" i almost think he might be gay trying to convince himself and everyone else he's not.

But as much as the sweatpants are a deal breaker the issue of him not going "down town" its an absolute outrage and quite frankly makes the rest of men everywhere look bad. come on! down town is where all the action is it's a WIN-WIN.

Sorry you wasted your time.

JW

amyd said...

I think James has got something there. Anyone got a $3 bill??? Ex-girlfriends stalking? Maybe it has something to do with his breakup style, huh?

Hindsight is always 20/20. So use this as something to learn from.

Glad you're working through this. It sucks now, but you'll survive. Any guy would be lucky to have you-and maybe this one knew you were out of his league.

Ok, I'll stop with the cliches...

."nothing left to do but smile, smile, smile"

Morgan said...

What a jackhole. Agreed on the 3 dollar bill.

I do like orange outerwear, but that is only due to my love for the Vols. Other than that? Despicable. Tard.