Monday, July 18, 2005

A Baked Potato Is Just A Hamburger Bun With Mayonnaise

You have an awesome four bedroom loft house at the beach, overlooking the bay. You have this house all summer long. There is a little dog out back named Fu who yaps around the back yard with a Crazy Momma who likes to yell at you, which you like because that will Never Get Old. You have made some new friends who you know you will continue to be friends with once the summer is over. There is a strobelight, about a million Playlists of music to listen to, house underwear, and jokes and sayings that Never Get Old. And you are looking pretty bronze these days. There is also a Funhouse mirror that makes you look skinny and adds about an inch to your height. And it's happy hour all weekend long.

You think you have it All, right?


You don't have it All until Safeway actually opens shop next door. And they did just that. The beachhouse is now complete. And we can all die happy.

Sadly, there was no Destiny's Child making an appearance this weekend. It was just a duo and we don't step out without all three of us. Goose had to be all responsible and make us all some money. Because, you know, we don't get paid for being Destiny's Child. So Mav and I packed up the flip flops and swim suits and cooler and headed East without the Third. We were sad without the Goosie but we had to make the most of us. Mother would want it that way.

Now this is very serious. The car ride down consisted of some more hallucinations from me. It's becoming so common these days. May have something to do with the whooping cough I am carrying around. This time I *thought* I saw a bird in the road and I was really concerned that Mav was going to hit it. She missed it! Good maneuvering Mav! But the bird never flew away. So...Disappearing Birds?

Since the Unwelcome Rain had to join our Parade (and mess up the Tan we sport these days....Caspers in the house, who's a ghost?). So we made a stop off at South Moon Under so Mav could buy some new swim suits (because the Red Glistening Number from KMart was not doing it for her anymore. Oh, it's folded up in a drawer in the house, it will resurface!) and I could buy yet some more summery-going-out-at-the-beach-tops. And for a belly fill-up of Heaven in a Pizza Dough AKA Nico Boli. Because yum. And here is where we - alright, I - had another hallucination of the baked potato kind.

When you finally make it to the house and it is almost time for Happy Hour you Kick it Back on the Front Stoop like we have become accustomed to by now. (By the way, neighbors have followed suit. Next week, we are stopping by KMart with Goose's $45 "gift card" and purchasing some thatched metal chairs. To set us apart from the neighbors.) Right about now, it feels like any other Friday at the beach as you are waiting for the others to roll into town. It's just a day at the beach!

Until. You spot the Mother of all Mothers. Lo and behold! Is that - is that - a mirage? Boa is scared for her sanity now.
Boa to Mav: Do you see what I see? Or are my eyes playing tricks again?
Mav to Boa: Yes, I think you are finally not hallucinating. But that was not a baked potato at lunch. That was a hamburger bun with mayonnaise on it.
And so it was.

Who knew that a hamburger bun spread with mayonaise - in disguise as a baked potato, mind you - ended up being an omen to the Weekend It Was To Become. A weekend of lots of hamburger eating. And so what we saw was a huge Safeway truck rolling into the neighborhood. [Not really. - Reality Police] It was all in slow motion and we watched in awe as the House Next Door turned into a Safeway for the weekend. With about 20 guys working it. Welcome to the neighborhood.

So the two houses made fast friends. We each had something the other wanted. The Dew Drop Inn had the warm bed, the turn down service, and a chocolate under the pillow. [Again. Not really. - Reality Police] The Safeway had all the food you could ever want. And lots of it. [Confirmed. - Reality Police] Aisles of food, snacks, meats, condiments (mustard, Mav!), and beer, more beer, some more, cases of wine, jugs of liquor, oh, and more beer...Safeway was prepared. And they were "open 24 hours." They were very courteous too! Service with a smile indeed.

Mav and I chatted them up first - on the Front Stoop - and then we became the Hot Girls Next Door. We were the first to witness the Shoppe. Excitement was shared with our other house guests.
Mav and Boa: Let's get Hollywood! He has to see this!
Mav [out of breath]: Hollywood, you've got to come next door and see this place!
Hollywood [head twirling round and round, tears in his eyes, clasping his hands together, very Charlie-in-the-Chocolate-Factory]: Wooowww! It is beyond my wildest imagination.

And it was. I am not joking about this. You name it, they had it. When we had to do some clothing construction on Saturday afternoon because Shamrock's skirt was just not short enough - you go to Safeway! The Inn doesn't have that sort of thing.
Boa: What aisle are your scissors in?
Safeway: Right here, pretty lady! Oh, and here, take a beer with you!
Boa: I love Safeway!

This Safeway is not like any other Safeway. It has a Grillmaster who keeps that grill going 24 hours a day. Nine AM we were awoken to - well, first the joyful yapping of Fu frolicking in the back yard - and then the smell of.......hamburgers with scrambled eggs on top. Then late night after a run of the bars, Grillmaster cranks up the grill again for a round of chicken, sausages of every kind, hot dogs, and cheeseburgers. You thought Grillmaster was joking when he entertains the notion of cheeseburgers at 3:30 AM. And so a game of Flippy Cup had to ensue. The Inn v. Safeway. Deathmatch.

And Safeway is generous. At the end of the night when you are ready to hit the sack at the Inn, you grab some beers, some Gatorade, and some donuts for the morning Hangover Lull. This pretty much sums it up:

Mav to Safeway: I'm just going next door to sleep a little. Be back when I wake.

So the weekend was Crazy as usual. That doesn't seem to change. There is always going to be Some Guy following Mav around, just lurking in the background, breathing her air, pretending they are With Her. Even her own boyfriend. And I will have some sort of embarrassment of Weird. Aside from seeing baked potatos and hearing bagpipes. This time it was of the Wardrobe Malfunction kind as I was able to give some of my housemates a Peep Show of a Breast Kind. Heh heh.

And I fell in love. Again. Damn. But, in my defense, I have not fallen in love since June 18, so, according to my watch, I am due. So the falling...

This was asked of us by his friends: "Are you two done falling in love yet?"

Quite possibly NO.

It was the smile that crushed me. And he lives in DC and is not moving away so that makes him different than all the others. He's damn cute and he doted. So phone numbers were exchanged (did you hear that? *exchanged* as in "Let me call you right we know we both have the right phone numbers" as I tend to transpose my number sometimes) with the promise of a phone call (as in, "I'll call you." "Please do." "Oh, I am." Smile.).....hmmm, I know how this usually goes?? But he has been admitted into The Circle Of Trust now. In or out? In or out? He said he wanted in. Mav said he was in. And so he has been named like everyone else who joins our Circle of Trust. You are Cool if you are named.

That is how Boa met Mason. Boa wants to wrap herself around Mason.

[While we are on the subject of names, let me just say it is a privilege to be named by Destiny's Child. We take our jobs very seriously. Everyone clamors to get one of our names. It's a gift. Lots of forethought goes into the Making Of A Name. So when Growl whines about his name, you shrug your shoulders because you can't just change a name once you've been named. It's part of you. And it's part of our vocabulary now. But you know how you can get your name changed? When you slight our Mother Goosie in some way. And that is how Growl lost his Sexy Not Angry Name and became Granny Pants. How you like that GP?]

Back to the it any surprise that the car ride home is just as wacky as the weekend at the house? All thanks to the secret shortcut ("It's a Goldmine!") because you get to pass by these sights:

A sign that says: "46 inch subs $999 All Day and after 3 pm Sat Sun"

A front stoop (!) with a basket of squash, a sign that says 25 cents and a mason jar.

Lots of yellow and back traffic signs of painted silhouettes of kids with ponytails and soccer cleats. Equivalent to silhouetted signs warning you about deer, duck crossing, bicyclists, or uneven pavement ahead.

A post office that nobody is ever at and so we have determined that you have to call ahead of time to let them know you've got some mailing to do. ("I'm here on official post office business.")

A "town square" that is just that - a cement square. Where nobody congregates, because there is nowhere to sit. There is nowhere to play. And the people? Are nowhere.

But you determine that people must live in this town because you remember the basket of squash on the front stoop. And apparently there is a soccer team. Perhaps they all went broke and blew up eating those 46 inch subs that cost a grand.

And then the new game that we have started in which Mav has to stop to use the restroom at a different place each week. Last week it was a firehouse. This week it was a hotel. Next week? A hardware store? Or maybe the hair salon in the house? Or Carl's Garage? How bout that post office? I'm sure we can call ahead. But we do know that the culmination of the game "circa Labor Day weekend" will be an actual person's house. Just doing what Mav does best.

So we had a 24 hour grocery store and chef. A possibly fabulous guy of the sweetest kind. Cougar's 30th Birthday Celebration. And Mav being Mav which is always a treat. But my favorite part of the weekend was really this:

Crazy Old Lady Out Back Mother of Fu walking down her long driveway towards the street. Six of us on our top deck standing up from our chairs just watching her. Not talking. Why? I don't know. This lady always intrigues us for some Insane reason it's Funny. Maybe she sensed the Eerie and the twelve eyes watching her because she turned around. At that exact moment, panic ensued and all six of us hit the ground instantly - on all fours. And then we laughed and that probably creeped her out even more as she most likely saw some movement on our deck of the Up Then Down kind, lightning speed. Then the laughter. The cackling laughter.

And that's pretty much how we roll.

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