Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Dogs Go On Vacation While I Drink Silly

So Fu got the hell out of Dodge and Destiny's Child reunited for another smashing success. Can it really go to their heads? Not when they have each other. They aren't really breaking up as evidenced by this past weekend. The back up singers overthrew the Beyonce of the group. It's an equal opportunity stage now. And they all Pull Each Other's Hair to prove it. Good moments. They missed their little dog Fu yapping away out back in his pink shirt. But all Good Dogs need a vacation from time to time, especially if your mamma is a Crazy Old Lady.

That, my folks, is just another weekend at the Beachhouse for The Three Gals AKA Destiny's Child, starring me as Boa and my best beach-stomping pals, Mav and Goose.

So while there were no Fu sitings this weekend at the Beachhouse. No men in Speedos with dip in their butt cheeks. There were plenty other Beach Oddities as only Us Three Gals can find.

And so on the Main Stage...

Brad Pitt in Disguise......but Undisguised!! Yes, BP shed his bar-crawling, attention-sucking, filth-laden "necklace", straw hat, polyester, seersucker, and white bucks for.......no shirt, no shoes, no "necklace," no shame. But under the Disguise we found out.............................that it is really not Brad Pitt! Surprised? He was never walking around Greece in Disguise. This guy who we all "think" is BP but not really BP but is BP is only the Guy Next Door, your friend and mine.......................Joe, the Stripper. And so, this past weekend, BP in Disguise AKA Joe the Stripper came to know Destiny's Child when Mav - in a very Beyonce-like move - took Center Stage and spoke to "Brad." Her line? "Where's your *bleep* necklace?" [Note: Censored because I'm not at the beach, so no swearing, burping or farting is allowed. We had to institute that rule when Mav couldn't turn Off when she got back to town and started her work week by burping in court, in depositions, in the judge's face. We don't want her to get disbarred.] Brad's response? "At home." With the classic follow-up that goes something like this. A wink, a finger point, and a cluck of the tongue that just reeks of "I-am-so-fucking-irresistable-I-am-a-babe-magnet-the-chicks-love-me" (picture Matthew McCoughnahy circa Dazed and Confused) quietly promising her the Mother Of All Promises That You Have No Intention Of Ever Wanting Fulfilled, "Meet me at the Cork. I'll buy you a beer." And that is how he came to know The Three Of Us as he tried to watch the sunset with us at North Beach. Is he really standing behind me watching the same sun as I while babbling about sipping wine in Maui?

Goose in her debut Hook-up of the Season. All ready for the lead vocals but then......the mic gave out. As in - the BOY PASSED OUT on her. Sadly. Surely he is kicking himself for the hundredth Vodka that put him over the edge and caused equipment malfunction at the the umpteenth hour. But she still gets the hit record because her songwriting skills are extraordinary. This is the best line ever uttered, "Is it rape if I just go and lay on top of him?" Give that girl a Grammy.

Two words. Doogie. Howser. Yes, Doogie was in our house this weekend! He's the Guy who all his friends get snockered and then send him on "missions" to humiliate him to the ground. Because he is nerdy like that. And everybody knows he looks like Doogie. You know how I know that everybody know this? Because of this conversation:
Guys we just meet, joining us on the beach for sunbathing, thinking they are going to tell us something we don't know and thinking that they just named somebody something that we couldn't possible name any better because as you can see we do it a lot (the naming of Everybody): Hey, girls, we just saw Doogie Howser.
The Three Of Us: Yeah, we know him. He'll be at our barbecue tonight. The one that you guys are coming to.
Eyes pop, high fives ensue because they know they are going to meet the Movie Star that is Doogie. Seriously. Have you ever seen anybody run so fast down two flights of stairs when you say, "Doogie's in the house." It's like bees to honey. Try it. But make sure Doogie's there. And then you know what is even funnier? When those guys text message you on the way home saying this: "Doogie is two cars over. Peace out."

The Front Stoop. Destiny's Child is still in touch with their homegirl roots. Fame has not gone to their heads. While the rest of the world was out at jam session, undoubtedly waiting for BP - or Joe, the Stripper - to buy them a beer, us girls were trashing it up ghetto-syle in our lawn chairs on our front cement stoop, drinking Natty Lite cans, and smoking like a chimney. Our next door neighbors picked up on this too. Next week, look out for the Front Stoop Block Party. I'll bring it to a neighborhood near you.

Boa watching her Memorial Day crush Crash and Burn over and over and over. A wave of feelings took over. At first, Mad at succumbing to those cheesy charms of the let-me-buy-you-a-shot variety, then Amused at watching it and learning it and watching it fail over and over, then Disgusted at the Ickiness that he actually is, then Mad again that you cared even if for a day that he never called you, then Relieved that you know all this, and then Deliriously Laughable. Boa needed to drink more.

And then the Sideshows...
1. Goose is now an equal opportunity dater and may have found true love. Or just new counter tops for her kitchen.
2. Mav may have found Husband. Which poses a little dilemna her way. What to do with current Husband-in-Waiting? Would Beyonce play the field? Does she settle with Jay-Z or does she kick it up comic-book-style with Richie Rich?
3. Boa still pines for one of her earlier suitors because she is nostalgic like that.

Sharing the stage in the Destiny's Child posse this weekend:
Richie Rich - A thick head of hair that you just want to run your fingers through, so Mav did something like that.
Growl - Got to kiss two back-up singers (we share everything!) but will Love it up with the one and only Goose when she calls him! Oh, and he has a bad case of Name Envy.
Angry Dave - Who is just aaannngggrryyyy and only speaks on Tuesdays.
Drew - Just a little cutie-pie.
Huck - Of the no-speaking variety of human life. All the while Nice as can be.

And that pretty much sums it up. It's tough being a Dog Gone Pop Star.

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